Why Do We Fight About Money...
by Maureen Zinda
- ...and how can we stop?
Management of Money: In a relationship, we both want to be able manage money as a partnership. That means that we would make decisions together based on the same beliefs, values and goals about money. Many times in a relationship these topics have never been talked about before. Either one of the partners believes that they know how to use money in the most effective way. When we argue about money, control issues come to the front and we want it our way. In most cases, communication and a plan are the only way out of a money crisis. Talk with your partner and lay out your plan for the future so that you both know the goals.
Opinions and Options: Every person in a relationship will have opinions about the plan as it relates to spending money. Some options that may come up are to have discussion about purchases over a certain dollar figure, who gets control of the checkbook, are there going to be allowances for both people etc. When there is a good time to talk, list all of the options and opinions on a sheet of paper, so that each are dealt with respectfully and a resolution is established that both can live with. Always ask if both feel heard and are okay with the decision. If there is still a conflict, try one person’s idea for 3 months and come back and review how it worked out.
Needs vs. Wants: These two words have different definitions for different people. Identify your partner’s definition and give make sure that they know yours. Needs many times are purchased for survival in a number of situations. There could be gas for the car to get to work, money for formula for the baby, a job, medication for someone who is sick, etc. Wants may be wishes or desires such as a larger wage, a new car, a boat, college, new clothes, and sometimes you may not have money for these. You are able to plan for the wants by setting aside some money every payday for something in the future.
Eager to please the other: Many times partners don’t want each other to do without and so spend to please or buy love. Credit card debt increases at an alarming rate and making the payments later are another area of conflict once the purchase is old and in the past. A dinner out on the town or a new outfit may feel good at the time but when the bill comes, the memory may not hold the value of the expense any longer.
Yikes, we’re overdrawn!!! How often does this happen? What are the purchases for? Is one partner deciding to spend out of spite when the funds are low? Does that person feel deprived, scared, insecure, unloved etc. This is a topic warranting serious discussion and listening to the Needs/Wants/Feelings so that decisions are made with knowledge, respect and thoughtfulness. Blaming one or the other is a barrier to communication and will lift the wall of defensiveness and arguing will begin. Name calling, put downs, or swearing are forms of verbal abuse and won’t bring the issue to resolution any time soon. Calmness, honesty, understanding, acceptance and the ability to listen are the most important elements at this time. Following the sharing of information is the plan to work it out together.
Identify the issue: As you start the conversation, allow one person to start and state the issue the way that they see it. Clarification may be necessary to get to the core issue but start with one issue and work your way to the core. This may take some time and you may want to record information so that if you have to come back at another time for more discussion you don’t have to start from the beginning.
State your observations: What have you seen that validates or identifies the concern? What have you heard or noticed in conversation or actions? Be as clear and specific here as you can be. Be careful to stay with the issue at hand, don’t go off on a tangent in order to get your point across to the other person. Bringing up old situations is not going to help justify your case unless you have not talked about them before and even then should be at the end of the discussion as additional examples. Again, blaming, name calling and swearing have no place in a conversation and only delay a solution.
State your thoughts and feelings: Be honest, gentle and make sure they know they can ask for clarification. After this part is done, have the other person state their observations, thoughts and feelings. When you both are clear about these, you are ready to start problem solving for the solution.
Understand your partner’s side as well as your own: Seek to understand rather than to be understood. Be able to repeat what you heard from your partner. Make sure that they feel understood. Ask more questions if necessary. Brainstorm some possible solutions, don’t judge anything that is said when you are brainstorming; you are only generating thoughts and suggestions and no one suggestion is right or wrong.
Examine some possible suggestions: Write down all of the brainstorming for suggested solutions and talk about them. Entertain possibilities in a respectful manner and be accepting and open to listen. Decide what would be good for you, for your partner and for both of you as a couple and make the selection.
Set your plan in writing: In order to go back and see if it has worked over the course of a week, month, 3 months the entire plan has to be written down. This may seem unnecessary but you will see the value up reviewing if the plan worked. Writing it down also allows for both to see it on paper or on the computer and have their buy-in and responsibility for success.
Written by Maureen Zinda, Personal Life Coach. Permission to copy this document granted as long as proper credit is given.